Last night was the second installment of Nerd Nite LA‘s Drinking & Dragons, a combination of D&D and improv show, with Yours Truly as the Dungeon Master and players selected at random from the audience. When Katie, one of my co-bosses of Nerd Nite LA, asked me how I was feeling before the show, my most honest answer was, as usual, incredibly nervous. Then, around ten o’clock last night after the show concluded, I felt… still nervous?

One of my enduring and persistent insecurities is that, when people say nice things to me, they don’t mean it, and they’re only saying it to avoid hurting my feelings. I believe that most people would prefer being kind over being honest. So when people say after the show that they had fun, not only am I wondering about what all the people who didn’t say anything to me are thinking, I’m also mentally undercutting every nice comment by wondering how they “really” feel.

It’s not an entirely unreasonable anxiety, but I know that I take it to an unreasonable degree. It’s not pleasant, and I try not to indulge it, but I usually can’t help it.

Here are some of my own feelings that I cannot help but project onto everyone else, listed declaratively because that’s how they are in my head:

• The enjoyable moments all came from audience members’ callouts and player actions. I had little to do with any of their geneses; anyone could have done my job equally well or better.
• Despite the above, I made the show too much about myself and my silly ideas.
• The oozes puzzle combat fell flat and wasn’t very clever. See “silly ideas,” above.
• My pacing was terrible. The first act was too long, the second was too short, and the final battle was rushed. I had a followup anxiety dream about this last night.
• My adventure was strongly on rails without enough of a sense of urgency. Watching myself narrate makes me cringe. See again, “too much about myself.”

I think that’s all of them. It feels a little better writing them down. Seeing them listed out makes it easier trying to assure myself that it’s not that bad.

Despite my own self-critical nature and anxieties, it does seem like people had fun. You can get a little glimpse into the event by checking out the #DRINKINGnDRAGONS hashtag on Twitter, and looking for the videos that Katie took, posted on the Nerd Nite LA Twitter account (here, here, here, and here). This tweet from an attendee, who is an artist at Marvel Animation, makes me particularly happy, not least of which because she and others went to town with the markers on the table coverings:

I also owe thanks to Katie and Nick for managing all the everythings that needed managing while I focused on DMing, for having the confidence in me back in December to try this thing out, and for persevering with this and doing it again last night. Two highlights of the many things they did: Nick found us the venue; and Katie provided the markers and table coverings to allow for those drawings to happen, which I now have at home.

Shoutout to Cellador Ales for hosting us as well. It’s a trek for me to get there, especially compared to Busby’s East where we host our regular Nerd Nite events, but the venue was much more fun and intimate, and they were effortlessly accommodating with everything.

I’m sure we’ll do another Drinking & Dragons again in a few months, and I’m sure I’ll be an equally nervous wreck for that one too. I will try to take my own criticism constructively and use it to improve for the next show.